Test4
by moraco1
Summary: test4 summary


**Ryou: Hero of Arceus**

I will write comments in green like this.

Corrections to mistakes are in red like this.

Suggested improvements are in blue like this.

I hope you're not colour-blind.

**Chapter 1**

You seem to have a lot of punctuation mistakes. I'll explain to you what each mistake is and I'll correct it only a few times and. After that you'll need the rest yourself. You need to learn the rules and practice using them until you can get it. If you have any questions, please ask. If you have a learning difficulty or something like that, then let me know and I'll take it into consideration.

I was floating in a dark void. Where am I?

"I" has to be written with a capital "I", not a small "i". You need to find all the "i" words and replace them with "I".

This paragraph has two sentences. "I was floating in a dark void" is a statement and has to end with a period. "Where am I?" is a separate sentence.

Voices seem to talk inside and outside my head.

Is it one voice or more than one? You either say, "A voice seems …" or you say, "Voices seem …"

You need to end the sentence with a period ".". You will correct the rest of the sentences. I'll correct the ones where it's a bit tricky for you, but you need to learn to apply this simple rule yourself.

"I AM THE CRATER I AM GIVING THE GIFT, THE POWER TO REWRITE ALL OF TIME AND SPACE, TO BEND OTHERS TO YOU WILL."

It's complicated to explain, but you need a comma "," after "GIFT".

For the end of a sentence inside quotes, you put the period inside the quotes too.

But i don't want this power

You need to start new sentences with a capital letter. You need to fix this is other sentences below. I'll fix the tricky ones for you, but the easy ones you need to do yourself.

"BUT TO USE THIS POWER YOU'LL NEED ALL THE TYPE PLATES. new sentence GET ALL OF THEM AND YOU'LL HAVE THE POWER"

but i don't want it

"YOU HAVE BEEN BORN WITH THE MIND PLATE IN YOU. YOU CAN'T REFUSE YOUR DESTINY"

then out of the gloomy blackness Arceus appeared

"i don't want your power," i yelled at it

You need to put a comma instead of a period when a quote is followed by a short statement that says who said the quote. I'll correct them for you until you get the hang of it.

"THEN I SHALL PASS JUDGMENT ON YOU," comma goes here it replied

then i woke up. new sentence Light flooded my room. new sentence i had the dream again. new sentence It's getting more and more frequent. new sentence then i shot up. new sentence of course is its close it can do that. new sentence i got out of bed and popped open my laptop. new sentence the screen was blank. new sentence then i commanded

It's "light", not "lite". "Lite" isn't even a proper English word.

I don't understand how light flooded his room. It sounds like the light came on because he woke up. Do you mean that the light woke him up? I would have thought the dream woke him up.

"Its" means "belonging to it". "It's" means "it is". Here you mean "It is getting more and more frequent", so you need to use "It's".

"of course is its close it can do that": I don't understand what this sentence is supposed to mean at all. I think you'll need to talk to someone in person to help you work out how to write that sentence.

"find_"

In this case it's OK to not have a capital letter if you're quoting exactly what you typed. However, if you're speaking to your computer, then you should probably put punctuation like it's normal speech.

You don't put spaces between the quotes and the text unless you actually typed those spaces.

then the screen filled with data. new sentence then a shadowy form appeared. new sentence then the computer chimed

A "shadowed form" is a form that has a shadow behind it. A "shadowy form" is a form that looks like a shadow.

It's not clear whether the shadowy form appeared as a picture on the computer, or whether it appeared in the room. You need to think of whether what you write might be misunderstood, and add a few words to make the meaning clear.

It's not good writing style to say "Then … Then … Then …" To make your writing more interesting, you need to change your sentences a bit, like "The screen then filled with data. After that a shadowy form appeared on the screen. The computer chimed." or something like that.

"Darkrai located reality_1\milky_way\system_7\earth\unova \victory_road heading north e.t.a. 5:00 minutes and counting"

i put the laptop in its case and ran out into the champions hall

"Its" means "belonging to it". "It's" means "it is". Here you mean "the case belonging to it", so you need to use "its".

I'm not familiar with this "champions hall". If it's a proper noun, like it's the official name of a place, it should be capitalized, "Champions Hall".

"ALLDER!?" i yelled

no reply

of course he probably out trying to pick up girls

i ran into the main foyer the elite four room. new sentence i spun around on my heels. Which door is it?

A "witch" is a sorceress. "Which" means like "which one".

it was the right one, close to the exit

"MARSHAL!?" i yelled

"Um ushing iy teeth! what?" he replied from his ring

That's good. It's funny.

Sorry I don't know what "his ring" is.

"Darkrai" i said as i passed him at the top of the elevator

I'm not sure I understand what an elevator has to do with it. You had your main character going through a door, and I presume Marshal must be in a bathroom somewhere within earshot. If you are imagining a scene with rooms and doors and objects and people in certain places, you need to describe it. Otherwise, your poor reader has no idea what you are thinking. I have no idea how to help you correct this because I can't read your mind.

he pulled his toothbrush out of his mouth. new sentence "Again?"

"ya, need a comma here it use nightmare on me again too," i said

You need to put a comma instead of a period when a quote is followed by a short statement that says who said the quote.

Marshal sighed. new sentence "alright kid, comma you know the drill"

i nodded and pulled out my pokeball and said, join up "Master of illusion Zoroark, comma come forth and help!"

When you use someone's name to address them, and then tell them something, you need to put a comma between their name and what you tell them: "Zoroark, come forth …"

Since you are issuing a command like that, I think it's better with an exclamation mark "!".

the ball split and opened on the its hinge

a dark fox with a red hair appeared in front of me

"Zoroark, comma—same rule about addressing someone please use your ability to hide us," comma—same rule about quote i requested

the look in Marshall's eyes confirmed it work he was never the one who saw any of my tactics working

Sorry, I don't understand this sentence.

but he got into his ready

Sorry, I don't understand this sentence either.

no sooner we were ? Darkrai appears

No sooner what?

too much to my surprise it spoke. new sentence "human, comma—addressing someone tell my where HE is"

"Spook" means "haunt".

"he isn't here, Darkrai," Marshal replied

"LIES!" Darkrai yelled, preparing its Shadow ball

Marshal sent out his Mienshao

You might want to tell us more about the details of what's going on. When Darkrai appeared, how close is he to the other characters? What does it look like? How does your main character feel? Why is Darkrai a threat? These differences can make the difference between a boring story and a good one.

"Mienshao, you need a space after a comma, period etc. Jump Kick!" The Mienshao spring into the air and tried to land a kick. darkrai dodged easily

then i it hit me! of course darkrai never hurt anyone ever and yet here it is trying to get me

When you say "it hit me", do you mean that Darkrai struck the character, or that the character realized something? You need to work out if what you wrote can have two meanings, and rewrite it so that it's clear.

"zoroark please lift the illusion on me," i said

Again, I don't really understand what zoroark's illusion was. Your readers can't read your mind. You need to explain what the illusion was when Zoroark did it.

I'm going to stop correcting commas between quoted speech and "someone said".

Zoroark looked worried

"It's ok, I'll be fine"

then Zoroark snickered. i looked at what i was wearing. I was still in my PJs

"And change my clothes while you're at it." i smiled back and stepped forward

i appeared to be in my black shirt and black pants

"I am known …"

i felt my trench coat appears on my shoulders the fabric flowed out of nowhere

This is unclear. How can Zoroark do that? Is it just an illusion? In that case he wouldn't feel it.

"… as the one who is going to recode the world, Ryou"

"Recode"? Am I supposed to not understand that yet? Is Ryou the character's name? Maybe then you should finish with "I am Ryou".

i pulled out my second pokcball

"and you are not welcome here," i finished. my blonde hair fell over my left eye. my hair was never did that before. nice one zoroark

"human who houses the Mind plate, give it to me now" Darkrai snarled

To "snare" is to trap someone.

i smiled

"the New Species Pokémon, Mew, come forth and help me!" i yelled as i threw my pokéball

my mew appeared next to me

"Foolish human, thinking you can defeat me with that" said Darkrai

"Mew, space after comma etc. thunder wave" i calmly said

Mew put its hands in the air and sent a charge thus paralysing Darkrai

You need to describe how this happened in more detail. What did the attack look like? How did Darkrai react? How long did it take?

i walked up to Darkrai. Mew handed me my laptop

"Scan Darkrai," i commanded the laptop

"scanning shows signs of the dark code's work" it chimed

i put my hands on darkrai's head and closed my eyes

green strands of code appeared around me from darkrai a red strand i grabbed it

Your sentence doesn't make sense. Did the red strand flow from Darkrai to the main character? How can he grab it?

it felt hot in my grasp " "

the red strand went black then was replaced with a green strand

i open my eyes Darkrai was asleep on the floor

"what did you do to it?" Marshal asked

"replaced the bad parts" I replied

i returned Mew and Zoroark to their pokéballs

"i am going to get dressed now please notify me when when it wakes up" i said, then went to my room

that night Alder had returned (after almost being arrested for sexual harassment).

i entered the hall of champions. "Alder?"

a man with wild red hair turned and faced me "Yes Ryou"

Again, please describe the room. How big is it? Is there furniture? How far away is Alder? Is he sitting, standing?

i shut the door

"I have been thinking …," I started

"uh-oh," Alder said, joking

i glared at him and continued "i have been here most of my life, right?"

"yes, it seem that way" Alder said

"well i want to see the rest of unova in my own tavales" I finally said

What are "tavales"?

Alders jaw dropped he looked like i just said, "I am going to kick Arceus in the balls" LOL

"Y-you know Red Code is after you right?" he said

Red code, most of the world evils came together to form Red code

Should the reader know a bit more about red code than the fact that it's a major cause of evil? Like what is a code?

"Yes" I replied

"Then get your gear together. We're leaving at dawn." Alder was about to leave

"To where?" I asked

"To Nuvema Town" Alder said

The next morning Alder and I flew over to Nuvema Town. This is a new sentence. You need to put a period, not a comma.The landscape was dotted with a few houses. as we got closer to a house we heard a voice

Again, you need to fill in more details. How are they traveling? Are they catching a bus or flying on a Fearow? What else is there in the landscape besides a few houses? Are there trees, hills, roads, cars, Pokémon, pools, shops?

"Alder?"the voice said. We spun around. We could see a girl with a green hat

What did she look like besides the hat? Where was she in relation to the house? Was she calling out from a window? Was she on a balcony?

"you are …," Alder said

"It's Bianca," the girl said, annoyed

"oh, Black's friend?" Alder said

"yep" Bianca said

"is ? in today?" Alder asked

Is who in?

"yes i was going in now to talk to her about a job" Bianca replied

we walked into the house, inside was a Pokémon study lab. a woman in a lab coat was talking with a man

"Excuse me" Alder said

the woman looked over and said, "Alder?"

the man saw me and said, "This is the one we talked about"

"I am Ryou, I am 15 years old. nice to meet you" I said

The woman introduced herself as ?

As who?

she led me and Bianca and me in to another room

inside was to thing on a table pokédexes i think they are called

I don't know what this sentence means. I think you'll need to ask someone in person to help you.

"Bianca, comma—rule about addressing someone why don't you explaining things for our friend Ryou?" Juniper said

"OK" Bianca said. "well, to start thing off, I'm the …"

"Hang on Bianca, i think someone else needs to hear this" ? said

Who said?

she left. i closed my eyes and scanned the room. nothing too important

when returned she had was accompanied by a girl about my age

"This is Yuki Kukiko" she said

i looked at her without dissagaing my ability. one thing came back to me: ICE PLATE

Sorry, what does "dissagaing" mean? You need a colon ":" before "ICE PLATE".

my eyes flew open. "Y-Y-You … have …" i stumbled over my words

Yuki blushed and said, "you have the Mind Plate?"

i straightened up. "Yes"

"What is your name?" Yuki asked

"Ryou" I replied

"i'll remember it," Yuki whispered

Juniper and Bianca went on to explain all about the pokédex

"Ryou, do you have your first Pokémon?" ? asked

Who asked?

"I do" I said

I went to pull out mews ball. then i stopped. Instead i pulled out Zoroark's ball

Why did he change his mind? You are writing in first person, so I don't think you should hide what he's thinking.

"Come forth, Master of The Darkest illusion Zoroark!"

i let Zoroark out of its pokéball

Just like you need to start a new sentence with a capital letter, you also don't start with a captial letter if it's not the start of a sentence.

? came closer. "It has a scar. from where How did it happen?"

Who came closer?

"Like me, Zoroark as a plate inside it" i explained

everyone nodded at me then turned to Yuki. "show him your Pokémon"

Yuki threw her pokéball in the air. A Glaceon came out of it

"good" said ?

Who said?

Then Alder came in. "well isn't it little Yuki. It's been a while, hasn't it?" he said

"Alder sensei!" Yuki eyes lit up

I smiled and said, "so this is who you're seeing on the side?"

Alder glared at me

"Well I'm going on home. maybe I'll be seeing you later" Alder said and he left

look at the door Alder went out of then at me

I don't know what this sentence means.

"Well i guess i have to crash here for the night and set out tomorrow when i have a bit more supplies," i said

? showed me to a room. it had a desk and a bed. I set my laptop on the desk and let Zoroark and Mew out of their pokeballs and opened my window

Who showed him?

there was a Knock on the door. "Come in" I said as the door opened. i scanned looked up to see who it was.

It was Yuki. I checked the clock. it was a little past noon

"what's up?" I asked as i booted my computer

"Was Zoroark really your first pokemon?" she asked

I stopped and looked at her. my computer did the start sound

"no" i said quietly

"Then what was your first?" she asked

"I don't really want to talk about it" I said

"Oh …," Yuki said. i could see the desire to know in her eyes

then a siren on my computer started to sound I looked at it

"That can't be good" i said, sitting down in the chair

"RED CODE 300 YARDS AND COMING IN FAST" my laptop yelled

I grabbed Zoroark's ball "Zoroark return"

mew flew into the room followed by two shadow balls

"What the-"Yuki exclaimed

"MEW RETURN" i yelled

mew and zoroark got into their pokéballs

i slid my computer into the rigging on my back and slid on a pair of headsets

"what is happening" yuki asked in panic

"Red code" i said and as i grabbed her hand

i hauled ass going down the corridor i ran pass "What is going on" she asked

I don't know what this sentence means.

"we are (we being me) under attack" I replied

"I'll get everyone out" ? said and ran the opposite way to the way we were going

Who said? Who is going where? You haven't explained it properly.

we made it as far as the lobby before they found us

12 Twelve men in black suits with red jackets were blocking the ways out. i looked up. there was a skylight

You need to explain the scene in more detail. I don't really know what is happening. Where are the men? How far away? How high was the skylight?

"There is no escape now Ryou" one man said

"that is what you think" I replied

They looked confused even yuki look confused

"Bend," i said

my back was tingling then I had wings. i jumped up the air and in two powerful flaps i was out of there

"You have … have …" Yuki said. she seemed impressed

I closed my eyes and smiled

"Don't close your eyes" she yelled in my ear

I let myself see the codes of reality then open my eyes without turning off my ability

"your eyes … they're … red." Yuki finally calmed down

This seems disconnected. What made her calm down?

we landed in the forest a few miles away

Miles away!? How long did it take? How can she hang on for that long? I don't think it's possible.

"i want an answer to this madness" yuki demanded

"Okay, i'll give you your answers when we're safe" i said

I thought being miles away, they would already be safe.

i looked around there was not much that can come get us we were safe … for now

i sat down and started a fire

"We're safe," I said. "where do i start?"

"how about at the beginning" Yuki said

"Okay," I said, "the beginning"


End file.
